d3vilgirl

How is it that every time I see your face I can only manage to remember the good things that we’ve been through even though the bad ones and your flaws are so much more and a million times worse? Ironically, from the multitude of people I have met throughout my life, somehow you are the only one that has managed to have a bigger impact on me than the people who are still in my life and have been for a long time. I just don’t understand, how come every time I remember your touch, your smile, your kiss, every time I think of you, there is a big void inside my stomach, and it’s eating its way around my brain. And when you think about it you weren’t even in my life that long, and in spite of all these things, you keep popping in my head whenever you feel like it. And you keep showing up in my life when I least expect it, and I keep thinking that when you do that, some weird way, you keep me from getting closer and from getting over you. How? Could you explain how you are able to do so? Why you? Of all the people, why you? Why me?

Growing older and realizing that you haven’t actually changed much from when you were an adolescent. Beginning to see that even if you’ve been through so much, you’re still childish, still not able to make sense of the things that surround you, still not understanding that people see you different than you think they do.

Growing older and realizing that everyone that’s the same age as you are keep moving on with their lives, keep going on the path society creates for each and everyone of us. Except you… And in that moment you feel that nothing you did means anything, that all these years spent alive did not make a difference, that the things you went through did not help you grow up. That annoying moment when you realize you have no idea how to act or talk to people, that stupid moment when you see that the thing that ruined everything in every human contact you had all these years, was always… you…

Growing older and seeing that you have no idea how to react in a relationship, that you have no idea how to keep a conversation going, that what you thought to be smart was smart ages ago… That you were supposed to live in another time, decades ago, before you were born.

That moment when you are lying in bed thinking about everything, that moment when you have so many thoughts going through your head and you are not able to make sense of any of them. That moment when you realize that you have to change the way you think, the way you talk, the way you dress, the way you are just because people expect you to be they way everyone one else is. That moment when you realize that it’s your only way of survival in this cruel jungle that we call life, but, at the end of it all, you can’t change, or better yet, you don’t want to. Because, let’s face it, we all enjoy a bit of metaphorical pain from now and then…

That moment when other people don’t give you the benefit of a doubt because their impression about you was already created and can’t be changed, just because in real life, there is no “Undo” button… That moment when you try to fill the void with denial…

I hate that moment…

Still trying to figure out why I keep looking for you. I know I’ll never find you, because you are already with someone else. How do I know that? Well, let’s say I’m just “lucky” like that.

I can still feel your eyes looking at me when I sit in my bed at night, staring at the naked ceiling. I can still hear your voice when I wonder alone along the empty night streets. I can still love you like there is no tomorrow and expect nothing in return. I can still think about you and believe that you are the one for me, even though someone else is the one for you.

I’m still trying to make myself happy thinking of your happiness. They say that if you love someone you have to let them go. Well, I think that just bullshit, pardon my french. My philosophy is that if you love someone you have to let them know. Because, in a perfect universe they might just feel the same way.

I can still close my eyes and dream of you… No matter what, I still have my dreams… I know you are my soul mate, the sad part is, I have no idea who you are…

I don’t know what it means to grow up. How does it feel to understand more about life than you used to? How does it feel to have more to think about than before? How does it feel to realize that what you used to know as important problems were actually just tiny specks on life’s glasses?

I don’t know what it means to fall in love. How does it feel to have butterflies in your stomach just thinking of someone? How does it feel to wish to have that someone near you for the rest of time? How does it feel to eat, sleep, breathe, think, and be for just one purpose: to love that someone?

I don’t know what it means to be happy. How does it feel to smile and laugh at every little thing? How does it feel to wake up in the morning enjoying life? How does it feel to have everything you want and everything that makes you happy?

I don’t know what it means to be loved. How does it feel to have someone tell you how special you are? How does it feel to know that: I love you, is not just a phrase like any other? How does it feel to be loved?

I don’t know what it means to be alive… How does it feel?

You know those movies, with the girls that are always fooled by guys with lame pick up lines or lame compliments? You know, the kind of girls that giggle whenever someone tells them they are beautiful, or cute or whatever else adjective you might think of. And you know how you always think: how dumb can you be? That’s obviously just a line to get you in to bed. And let’s be serious, who does that in real life, or better yet, who falls for that in real life?

And you are more than sure that you could never fall for that, cuz you just have more experience and you are definitely smarter. But what happens when you realize that you’ve just been played? Exactly like the girls in the movies? What happens then? Nothing happens; you just shut down and stop anyone else that tries to get inside you…r heart.

And so, you end up all alone and sad and victimizing yourself, telling yourself that you are not the one to blame, that guys are all pigs and that you will never ever love again. But then you come around and your decision changes with the first cute guy that smiles at you. Oh silly girl, don’t you know it will happen all over again? But how can you resist that charming smile, those dark, deep eyes. Oh well, at least you’ll get to walk him over town and enjoy the envious looks of other girls for a short amount of time. Because, even though you’re easy to impress, you still have your pride. And at the end of it all, that’s worth all the pain and tears when it’s all over, right? Right? …

Life is not what you want it to be… Life is not a fairytale…